Hope, Anxiety and Adorable Bunnies

This week has been hard for me for many reasons. I’ve been walking on a sprained ankle that was injured in a truly spectacularly stupid way. I’ve had terrible writers block until earlier today, and I’m flaring. It’s also been difficult to not make jokes this week. I know many of my friends, family and colleagues who celebrate the holidays of Easter and Passover. Like with everything else in my life, I tend to take religion with a healthy dose of skepticism and humor. So you’re welcome.



This week was also hard because I had several opportunities to engage with people, get out and have fun. But I didn’t. I have terrible, almost crippling social anxiety.

It’s funny – at least to me – that I of all people sit on my couch terrified to step outside and sit on my patio. Why is it funny? I was speaking in full sentences (according to my mother) at 9 months old. I’ve never been popular, but I’ve never lacked for friends either. I can be dropped in any social situation and get along just fine. I have the gift of gab, as my dad likes to say. I actually love people and being around them. Giving speeches and presentations are FUN to me. I love it.

Social/generalized anxiety is baffling. I’m scared to leave home and frequently find reasons to not go out. I’m terrified that I’ll see friends that I know through previous jobs and I will fall short of expectations. Physically, my body just can’t do what it used to. Last night I told friends that I would love to do Muay Thai training. I would love to do some of the harder workouts I loved. But semi-brittle bones and a clumsy nature do not work well with drugs that impede healing. I still have bruises on my legs from last May. Sexiness up in here. I feel like I look terrible with my chemo-thinned hair. I’m afraid that I can no longer keep up intellectually because of the chemo brain and lupus fog that I live in. I’m afraid that if I go out, I’ll get sick and be stuck in a situation I don’t know how to handle. What if I go out and get so tired that I can’t drive? I have no desire to vomit on my favorite sweatshirt while driving down the I-5. What if I fall asleep? These are just a few thoughts that go through my head every.single.time I try to leave.

There have been days when I get fully dressed and ready, will stand at the door with my hand on the doorknob and will sit on my couch feeling defeated for the next bit of time because I couldn’t do it. I don’t really answer my phone anymore because that causes anxiety as well. I now prefer text. It’s easier and causes less anxiety.



Back to the reflections I’m sharing in roughly eighteen hours. I focused on the idea of freedom and shared the story of my descent out of the deepest of my depression. It was, for me, about regaining control by making the choice to live and be happy. I’m very proud of how far I’ve come, but it shames me how far I have left to go.

In the spirit of this season of hope and freedom, I want to say that I hope you know that I adore you and miss you. My distance isn’t because of you, it’s all me. I’m choosing to keep fighting to get through the doorway. I’m making the decision to make my way back to all of you. I’m choosing to kick this fear in the ass. And I’m definitely choosing to sit on my patio. It’s just going to take time.






And, as promised, here are some bunnies.










--
Elyse Leon-Reyes
www.stayclassy.org/elyse



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Spring is Here

Spring in Los Angeles is my least favorite season. On any given day it may be 30 degrees when I wake up and 90 degrees by noon. I like some predictability in my weather. At least with the summer, you can guarantee it being 90-100 degrees every day. But there are worse problems in the world, so I'll stop whining.

The last few weeks have been interesting. I started CampNaNoWriMo 2014 - with the goal of finishing a 50,000 word novel. I finished the first draft of another novel I was working on, added to another, and have done virtually nothing for the one I'm supposed to be working on. By nothing I mean I've almost hit 10,000 words. I don't know what my block is about, but I just want to work through it already.

Given that it's National Literacy Month, I've decided not to give up. Instead of beating myself up like I have done in the past, I'm just going to go with the flow. I'll write what I can and when I find inspiration, I'll turn back to the book. That's the whole point, right? It doesn't matter what you write as long as you're learning and growing.