Wednesday Goal Check In

Tomorrow is one of my job's major fundraising events. It's a big deal that requires all hands (all 5 staff on deck) for extended hours. Tonight, instead o enjoying the Halloween parade, I'll be prepping for the luncheon until about 10pm. I'm okay with that, because I've been doing this for several years. As in previous years, we have movers come to our office today (the day before the event) to move all of our silent auction items, gift bag stuff, etc. to the venue. This was supposed to happen at 5am, and normally I'm the one there. This year, since I haven't been feeling well, one of my coworkers offered to do it so I could sleep late and be better prepared for tonight.

Best laid plans.....for whatever reason that coworker was not on the approved list to access the building during off hours so I got a call at 5:45 am to confirm that they are indeed allowed in (perks of senior staff status - I'm the building's main contact). I'm an insomniac, so I knew that instead of sleeping until 9am as planned, my day was starting right then. I was angry about it for a good 15-20 minutes, but then decided that if I was up, I would be productive. I got out my yoga mat, blanket and props and got down and did my Curvy Yoga.

I am so proud! I made it the entire way through the video and I feel so much more relaxed, albeit still exhausted, and ready to handle anything that comes my way today. I'm really loving the Curvy Yoga videos, because while I don't need all of the modifications, the ones that I do need help tremendously and I feel myself getting better into the asanas than I do in class. I feel like in the short amount of time I've been doing it my practice is getting better, and allowing me to focus on my breath and beyond the actual poses.

This is my third day this week doing yoga, up from 0 last week, so I've improved on that goal. I've also been meditating daily, which is a huge improvement over last week. Finally, after yoga, I went to step on the scale:

Highest Weight: 235
Lowest Weight: Can't remember
Last week: 194
Current Weight: 193
Change: -1





I've been making better choices this week and moving despite the fact that I have not been feeling well. When my doctor told me earlier this week to "do yoga, dammit" I'll admit that I was pretty annoyed with her. But realistically, I know it was the best choice for me.





Finally, I want to wish you all a happy and safe halloween! This is the first year where I felt really comfortable enough in my skin to wear something this revealing. It may not be revealing to others, but for me it was a huge risk. Progress!




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Doctor's Orders

After my Sunday trip to the yoga studio I totally crashed.  I ended up taking a three hour nap, having dinner and then sleeping until 7 am the next morning. My body felt stretched and relaxed, but I still felt like crap.  Lupus kind of sucks like that.

Trying to be a good patient, I called my doctor and let her know that I was still having major fatigue and joint  pain.  Given that my labs look good and I'm due for my monthly infusion next week, I had two options - tough it out or take more steroids. I hate steroids, so it was an obvious choice.  I was also told to work less, sleep more and exercise more. We're in the middle of our event season, and we have our big luncheon on Thursday. It requires all hands on deck and working long hours until it's over. On top of my regular job, which is incredibly busy, I'm doing everything from researching celeb head shots to picking up gift bag items to working on scripts for speakers and so much more. I'm even the office model for handbags and accessories:

So I'm not sure how I can squeeze MORE sleep and exercise and less work in.

However, I'm tired of feeling like crap, so I got up extra early and did 25 minutes of yoga from the 30 Days of Curvy Yoga class that I signed up for. It was gentle, relaxing and a nice wake up. I also walked my dog for ten minutes.

Although I KNOW that exercise helps with inflammation, fatigue and pain it is sometimes so hard to get myself to actually do what I need to do. But between my weight loss goals and doctor's orders, I need to just get it done.

Sunday Confessionals

I love yoga. I love the asanas, the very act of going to class, the atmosphere of my studio (Yoga Works Larchmont), and the philosophy behind it. I feel that yoga was instrumental in the healing that I've seen over the last year.

So here's my confession. I haven't been on the mat for nearly two months. At first there were some legitimate reasons - my lupus was flaring and I had trouble walking, standing, etc. Then the reasons became psychological - I became trapped in my head and focused on what my body couldn't do. I started to get sucked into work, my disease - which was legitimately acting up - and so many external sources that I forgot something very basic.

Yoga is life, yoga is balance, yoga is calm, yoga is bliss. I know not everyone feels the same way, but for me, yoga has become my rock in an ever unpredictable world.

Yesterday, a dear friend suggested that I subscribe to Yoga Journal, which I did. I read a wonderful article on Mistaken Identity, which focused on one of the Sutras of Pantajali.

Asmita (False identification) is confusing the nature of the seer or Self with with the nature of the instrument of perception. In other words, false identification happens when we mistake the mind, body, or senses for the True Self. Yoga Sutra II.6.

What I realized when reading this article is that I had been placing my self worth in external perceptions - of what my boss thought of me, what my husband was feeling at the moment, of what a particular volunteer said to me...and I lost my True Self that I had discovered through the process of attempting to live the eight limbs of yoga. That self is the core, unshakable, unchangeable part of me that IS me - light, love, and peace.



I woke up today sore and not feeling well but determined to get to my 10:30 yoga class. I felt that if I could do that, I would regain some of the balance that I had been aching for since I stepped off of the mat. Today's practice was a gentle yoga, with an additional focus on meditation. I can't begin to describe how wonderful it was to connect to the inner self through the asanas and pranayama. I was rooted in my practice, and only fell over once (a record for me - terrible balance here) but my core, my Self felt like it had been reawakened.




And that was worth more than anything.

I don't often feel appropriate/ comfortable saying this, but




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Fantastic Friday!

I have worked six days a week for the last month and will continue to do so until Thanksgiving.  Despite the fact that I've been working most Saturdays, I'm still ridiculously excited when Friday rolls around. This week I'm even more excited because I actually have social plans!!

The husband and I are going to a Halloween Party tonight and I'm super stoked. My costume is fairly plain, but the husband is going as Dr. Rockso the Rock and Roll clown from Metalocalypse.

I'm so proud of him because he has been on his own weight loss and fitness journey and it takes a lot of guts to wear this spandex suit. He's been one of my main inspirations and the world gets to see him in neon green spandex. It's going to be hysterical.

Friday is also fantastic because it's casual day at work and I'm a bit tired of having to dress up this week. All this effort into hair and makeup is exhausting!!

Finally, Friday is amazingly fantastic because I know I'll be doing some fun active stuff, like getting one of my BFFs to go to yoga with me and going to the farmers market.  I know I will also be cooking some good food this weekend :).

What's so fantastic about your Friday?

One Thought Thursday

I am a work in progress and I love myself for being in progress and not static.





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Wednesday Goals Check In

I think I mentioned before that I was NOT looking forward to stepping on the scale today. Last week my eating, not sleeping and not exercising were OUT.OF.CONTROL. I was a total emotional eater, I was super stressed with work and other personal stuff and I was REALLY enjoying takeout.

Then I stepped on the scale on Saturday. I hit 199 and I panicked. I have a strong commitment to never go over 200lbs again, and so it was the slap in the face I needed. The next morning I got up and went to the farmers market and started cooking.  I recommitted myself to clean eating, I started taking longer walks with my dog, and recommitting to meditating. It's been a struggle, but I'm back on track and starting to see a loss.   Since Saturday morning I have lost 5 lbs which is 1 lb less than I weight last week.

Highest Weight: 235
Lowest Weight: Can't remember
Last week: 195
Current Weight: 194
Change: -1

I also had a non-scale victory. I bought a Halloween costume a few years ago but never got to wear because I was too big for it (or it was too small for me). Either way, I tried it on this morning, as the husband and I have two Halloween parties to attend and it not only fit, but it was a little loose!!!  I was ecstatic! 

It was a good reminder to me that no matter how crazy life can seem, every day is a new opportunity to recommit yourself and work on your goals. 

Keeping it all together - Balancing Acts Part II

I have been feeling all out of sorts lately. I mentioned earlier this month that I have a hard time balancing all of my responsibilities and hobbies with the drain my lupus takes on me. It's hard to do everything you need and want to do under the best of circumstances, but when you're not feeling well that it just amplified.

I have been overdoing it lately because I feel like I NEED to keep some sort of balance. I'm working hard, so that means I have to work extra hard at keeping up with friends, spouse, etc. I have to make sure that I don't just do ONE load of laundry in an evening, but all laundry laying around (yes, it piles up).

The problem is I feel like I'm starting to sacrifice me again. I have been good about taking time to cook healthy, delicious foods so I'm saving money and getting my diet/weight back under some control, but I'm letting my meditation and yoga practice slip.

I hate this, but I also know it's my M.O. When things get overwhelming I push myself to overload and put myself out the back burner. Intellectually, I know that I need to carve out some small space and time for myself, but it's hard when my head keeps telling me that the time I'd use for me could be spent in other directions.

I'm putting all this out there because I promised myself that this blog would be the one place where I could keep it real with myself, and keep myself accountable. My blog readers and Tweeps will hopefully give me the kick in the ass I need and remind me of what I always tell other people. You have to put your mask on first before you can help anyone else.




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Food, food, food

I woke up on Sunday morning way earlier than necessary, but that's not that uncommon. I have the lovely gift of insomnia so I'm usually up at odd hours.  This time, however, I couldn't distract myself with a good book or get back to sleep. I decided to spend the time planning on how I was going to recommit to my healthier lifestyle.  Blogging about it and thinking about it is all good and fine, but what was I really doing to make sure that I didn't continue to gain weight and go down the path that led to my unhealthy lifestyle?

I decided to put my money where my mouth is. Literally.  I got showered, ready for yoga, and sat down at my computer and started googling paleo recipes.  And making lists of what ingredients would be required to make those yummy meals. I realized that I was eating processed, junky food because I wasn't making healthy food that tasted good. Obviously, if you don't enjoy what you eat, you're not going to want it.  I stopped eating well because I was making boring food. You can only eat quinoa and spinach so many days in a row before it gets really old.  

So off I went to the farmers market to stock up on some goodies.  I can't begin to tell you how much fun and liberating it was. I usually let my husband do the food shopping for us as I have a very bizarre dislike of supermarkets. I'm also hopelessly lost when it comes to finding things I want, so I usually go along with whatever he buys.  

But for the first time in a long time I was in control of choosing healthy foods that appealed to me. I didn't think of what anyone else would want, but what foods would nourish me and please the senses.  It was amazing. Here's all I got - sprouts, squashes, grapes, sweet potatoes, onions, broccoli, corn, avocados, berries, spinach, lettuce, peppers, pesto, garlic, and more. 

I'm not the greatest cook, but I decided to brave it and try a recipe from PaleoOMG - their apple and butternut squash. It took forever to make, but OMG was it worth it. It was delicious beyond words and even a small amount was filling.  I highly recommend giving this recipe a go. 

Afterwards, I wanted to make more food for the week, so I decided to make one of my favorite veggies and mix it up a bit - brussel sprouts, squash and onions in pesto.

As I was cooking, my husband decided he wanted to try some fondue. Of course I couldn't resist, and cut up some veggies and apples. After a few bites, I was full, and I refused to push myself to the level of stuffed. 

 So now I have all these great leftovers in my refrigerator for the week, and I'm thrilled. What foods are getting you excited this week?

Weekend Recap and Sunday Fun

This weekend the husband and I went to the Arthritis in Prime Time conference in Long Beach, CA, where I gave a talk on building your support community specifically for people with lupus.  One of the things that surprised me most was that I was giving fitness and nutrition recommendations as part of overall disease self-management.

For those of you who don't know what lupus is, it's a chronic inflammatory autoimmune disease in which your body basically becomes allergic to itself. What that means is your immune system is attacking your body pretty much at all times.  In mild cases, you see joint pain, fatigue, some memory/cognitive issues.  On the more extreme side, you have organ involvement and the development of other diseases.  I have moderate disease.

On top of that, my husband and I made  the beginnings of some potentially great friendships with people who get living with a chronic illness and who, like us, don't want to wallow and want to enjoy life.  I cried several times during the various breakout sessions, but they were tears of joy, as I worked on forgiving myself for isolating myself and for treating myself so poorly as a punishment for what my body was doing when I couldn't control it.

Up until the last year, I have really let my illness act as a crutch and an excuse for my not being as healthy as I can be within the limits of my disease. I blamed the weight gain on medication but didn't do anything to make it better.  I blamed the lack of exercise completely on joint pain - and while sometimes it was legit  I was really just afraid to cause more pain.  But after some really scary and what we thought at the time were life threatening situations, I gained a new perspective on life and really started to make changes in how I eat and my movements.  It started slow by cutting out the candy several times a day, and getting up and walking to a coworkers office instead of yelling or sending IMs.

Then I started walking my dog daily and each day the walk would get longer and longer.  Next came yoga, my love and passion.  Finally, I started cooking.  The transformation has been epic, if I do say so myself. I'm 40lbs down and most importantly I feel better about myself than I have in a long time.

I mentioned a few posts back that I have severely fallen off the wagon. First it was my birthday, and who the hell doesn't have cake or something for their birthday. But my birthDAY turned into a birthweek. Then my husband was out of town and I got sick.  So I went for easy to make no frills processed food.  And before I knew it I was back on the ugly cycle of not working out, eating horribly and feeling worse.  I stepped on the scale yesterday and saw that I had gained weight since Wednesday's weigh-in and it was a huge slap in the face and wake up call.

NO MORE.  Today I recommit to eating healthy. I'm heading out to the farmers market in about ten minutes and then to yoga. Today I begin again.

That's the beauty of life, though, isn't it.  Every day is a new day to recommit yourself and start again.

To keep myself in check, I decided to be super brave and post some journey pictures.

At my highest weight at a friend's wedding last summer:

At the beginning of my journey in January 2012

In Amsterdam this summer:  

Two weeks ago:

Fitness Friday: Thank you to all my fitness mentors!

Today is a bit of an insane day for me.  I'm finalizing my presentation for a conference I'm speaking at tomorrow, training a new employee, getting ready for a facilitator training I'm leading next week and trying to fit in some healthy eating and a bit of exercise today.

I've been on a journey to healthier living for several years now, but I wasn't really successful until this year.  I was too hard-headed, too into my own pity party, too ready to blame things on my disease, work etc. to take responsibility for my choices.  Earlier this year, I had an epiphany moment where all the lessons from my fitness gurus finally made sense. I was finally ready, and once I started implementing the things I'd been taught, and mostly ignored, real change began to happen.

So on Fitness Friday, I want to say a big thank you to:

• Roxy Richardson at Function5Fitness who got me excited about Muay Thai and was the first person to set my on my journey. 
• Maria Ramsdell at Chain Fitness who was my AMAZING personal trainer for a long time.
• Taylor Ramsdell at Chain Fitness who has a wonderful personal training studio and had the good sense to go into business and marry Maria :)
• Dalyn Carbajal who was first my training buddy at RoxyFit boot camp and then at the Femme Fatales class at Chain.  She has been such a source of inspiration and information. 
• Robert Mills at Club26.2 who taught me how to run and got me through my first 5K and half marathon and STILL keeps in touch even though I no longer run. 
• The awesome instructors at YogaWorks Larchmont who have taught me so much about my new favorite overall wellness activity, especially Mollie and Fred. 
• My BFF Cecilia who has spent more time teaching me about clean eating and making me cook than anyone.
• My husband who put up with my shenanigans, and who inspires me every day with his own fitness journey. 

Who has helped you along your fitness journey?  What did they teach you? How are you putting what you've learned to work today? 

I plan on eating a healthy lunch and dinner and getting in 30 minute yoga routine once I get to my hotel :)

Happy Friday everyone!

All Smiles

I'm all smiles after seeing my blog featured by Commitment Day.

One Thought Thursday

One mistake doesn't negate all the positive steps you've made or the hard work you've put in. Accept it and forgive yourself. Recommit yourself this very instant and move on.


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Wednesday Goal Check-In

I was not looking forward to Wednesday because I fell off of the wagon with a lot of my goals.  I went completely off diet for several days, wasn't consistent in walking every morning and haven't REALLY meditated daily. I don't even have a good excuse - I just ate and did whatever and enjoyed the hell out of it. I had a pizza and movie night with my husband and we had a blast.  I had barbecue with my husband and a friend while watching football on Sunday.  I had Cuban food with my coworkers yesterday.  I worked a full day conference, watched the presidential debate while munching on leftovers, shared popcorn with my dog, and just didn't put much thought into anything. But strangely, I'm okay with it. I had fun, I enjoyed food, and I didn't have feelings of guilt and shame that normally come with eating stuff that's not on my usual diet.

Highest Weight: 235
Lowest Weight: Can't remember
Last week: 192
Current Weight: 195
Change: +3

I can't say I am totally disappointed in myself because I made the conscious choice and was willing to accept the consequences. However, I'm not willing to make the conscious choice to eat that poorly in the long-term. I am learning to love myself enough and my life enough that I want to do better.  Following up yesterday's Fitfluential chat, I commit to:

Love my body enough to eat things that nourish it.

Love myself enough to stop eating when I am satisfied, not full, not stuffed.

Love myself enough to exercise this week.

Love myself enough to go to yoga on Sunday.

Love myself enough to meditate daily.

Love myself enough to love myself :)

Loving my body

I confess that I have not always loved my body. I have hated it for a long time because of the diseases that plague my body, for the things I can't control, for the results of years of neglect. But that is slowly changing. I am starting to love my body for the magical thing that it is.

Today, I love my body because I am alive.

I love my body because I was able to get up and walk today.

I love my body because I feel strength in my limbs I haven't felt in over a month.

I love my body because I was able to drive.

I love my body because I was able to enjoy my meals.

I love my body because it enabled me to hear and see the presidential debate.

I love my body because my hands allow me to share my thoughts by blogging and tweeting.

I love my body because it is mine and it is getting better and stronger every day.


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Grateful

Apologies for this unpolished post. Just got some news and I am raw and reflecting on it.

About a month ago I got a call from my rheumatologist, who I see at least once a month for my lupus, that my blood work results came back funky. Apparently I had high levels of protein in my blood that could signify early onset of a specific type of cancer. 

Considering all I've been through with my health, I felt like I took the news in stride. I made an appointment for the following week with a hematologist and didn't think too much on it.  I figured my luck couldn't be that bad. Leading up to the appointment I became more and more agitated.

Thankfully the doctor was knowledgeable and sweet and really calmed my fears. Apparently the specific protein that was high could possibly mean multiple myeloma, but I was so far at the low end of high that it was highly unlikely.  After this reassurance I was shipped off to the lab and told I would heat back in three weeks.

Ten minutes ago I got THE phone call.  Thankfully I am cancer free and I had just an abnormal test result.  I have to follow up in three months as a precaution, but that's it.

One would think that living with several incurable diseases would male me immune to the fear that comes with a maybe have cancer scenario, but I have been living on edge for weeks.

This served as yet another reminder of how precious life is and how I so badly want to live whatever life I am given to the fullest. Every day I can get up and do something. I am going to honor my body like the temple it is, exercise, eat well, meditate, and spread joy, love and light whenever possible.

Grateful.

Balancing Acts

I've always had a very tough time balancing my professional and personal life.  Thankfully, I've made amazing friends through my work, but it doesn't always leave enough time to really refresh myself and treat myself well. For the last several years I was burning the candle at both ends, whether it was working and going to grad school, working crazy hours and volunteering, working and working some more....and it finally damn near killed me. My health took a nosedive and it's been a good 18 months or so of recovery.

It's taken 10 different specialists (I might be up to 11), medication, meditation, yoga, therapy, and a concentrated effort to not let work bleed into my personal time (6pm to 10am during the week and most weekends).  I'm happy that it's been working and I'm in the best working condition that I've been in years.

Now I'm faced with a little over a month of MAJOR professional commitments and I'm worried that I'm not going to have time or energy to devote to my personal life and personal practices (meditation/yoga/working out/cooking). On Sunday, I'm hosting a patient education conference in Irvine, CA.  Next Friday I head to Long Beach, CA to set up for a conference I'm speaking at on Saturday. (See below for more details). The following week I'm leading a support group facilitator training. The week after that I'm giving a talk about my job's marathon team, and then the following week I'm off to DC for the annual rheumatology conference, and I'm speaking there too. I haven't even mentioned trying to launch my consulting business (again).


So what am I speaking on (in case you were interested)?


Next week I am speaking at the Arthritis in PrimeTime Conference in Long Beach, CA. I'm presenting with Dr. Maureen McMahon, an amazing rheumatologist from UCLA on the importance of developing a strong community for people with lupus. We'll provide an overview on lupus, talk about treatments, and then get into a really meaty discussion about creating your support network, how to communicate with your medical team, and how you and your doctor can best facilitate a good working relationship. Families and supporters are definitely welcome to attend the session, as we'll be talking about how the support network is bigger than just your medical team and support group :)

November will find me in Washington, DC at the annual conference of the American College of Rheumatology. This Conference is attended by thousands of health professionals from all over the world. I have the honor of presenting with two close friends and colleagues on a novel support and education program we developed for families of children living with rheumatic diseases. The program is the first of its kind in the country, bringing public and private partners together to create a community for these families.

I signed up for the 30 Days of Curvy Yoga class so I will at least have my home practice, but I really want to make sure that I'm getting in some quality time with friends too. I hope that my meager blogging/twitter audience will help keep me grounded and remind me to make time for myself every day, because I can get swept up really easily.  I'd love it if you would leave some suggestions of how I can keep everything together and not overwhelm myself in the comments or via email :)

Wow

I may have mentioned that I have stupid lupus and a whole bunch of other diseases. I take upwards of 10 medications (different prescriptions, not pills) per day and get a monthly infusion. So with all that going on, my metabolism has crashed and my weight loss has been an intense struggle. I have completely changed my diet/lifestyle in the last 6 months so every pound loss is a huge victory for me.

So I'm sitting here in the infusion room with an IV in my left hand (yes, I can type with an IV anywhere in my body - it's an art) and my infusion nurse tells me I'm a full 10lbs lighter than I was last time I was here.

Wow. I have no words. I know I've been working on it, but I haven't been able to exercise due to stupid lupus and other random diseases wreaking havoc on my body. I've been trying to eat well, rest as much as possible and sleeping. But it's been working.

So it's not a Wednesday weigh in but I am ridiculously proud of myself. 42lbs down, another 53 to go.



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Wednesday Weigh-Ins

I was not looking forward to this weigh in because I was convinced I gained a ton of weight. I have been eating like a madwoman, not working out, and sitting on my butt due to stupid lupus for a good week.  Surprisingly, I didn't do as badly as I thought.


Highest Weight: 235
Lowest Weight: Can't remember
Last week: 194
Current Weight: 192

Despite the happiness I feel with the loss, I keep reminding myself:

Deepening my yoga practice

I've been quite miserable because I haven't made it to the yoga studio in almost a month. I've had legit reasons - I mean, if not being able to walk isn't a good reason, then I don't know what is.

Stupid lupus is still acting up but I've recovered enough that I can get around with a mild limp. The last few days I've been doing some bed yoga, and of course practicing asanas for the YogaADay Instagram challenge. But I haven't really been wholeheartedly committed to my practice. If I'm honest with myself, I think I felt like if I wasn't in the studio I wasn't legitimately practicing. Without an instructor to correct my form, without checking in and chatting with the girls at the desk, then it wasn't the full experience.

Yoga is much more than a physical pastime for me - it's a total life experience. It's why I love going to the studio so much. I have time for meditation, for learning, for a cup of tea, for sharing my experiences with others, and I miss that.

But how true to my practice can I be if I don't practice when I am alone? So today I decided to put my proverbial money where my mouth is and signed up for Curvy Yoga's 30 Days of Yoga class. The focus is on building a consistent home practice, which will nicely complement my studio practice. I don't plan on doing one or the other exclusively, but my intent is to make yoga a true part of my life, much like my meditation, or even eating.

I can't wait to share my experiences and what I learn.

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Monday blahs

I was super excited to have today off, especially once I realized that no one in my immediate circle had the time off. It was going to be a little slice of time out of reality! I was going to catch up on chores, blog, go to the farmers market, get all sorts of seasonal veggies, cook an absolutely amazing lunch and dinner and so much more.

But in true fashion, I was up at 3am, couldn't fall back asleep until 6am, and slept until about 15 minutes ago. The neighborhood farmers market is now closed, I have absolutely no energy and the husband is working from home. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the company but it sort of cramped my vision of having the empty apartment and running around like a madwoman and blasting all of my favorite music, which I can't do if he's on the phone.

Over the weekend I had an epiphany moment which sparked the desire for the day alone. I realized that my hobbies, while entertaining, were fairly isolating. I love to read and watch movies. Great for expanding the mind, but not great if you are trying to also enhance and develop friendships. I started thinking about the things that I love was trying to figure out if I could make it into a hobby. I'm really enjoying blogging, reading other people's blogs, tweeting and getting into the whole social media thing - it's fun, and easy to do even when I can't get out of bed. I've also loved reading recipes and am dying to try out so many of them. Up until 6 months ago I considered myself culinarily-challenged and my husband did/does most of the cooking, so this is a huge step for me. And I love yoga.

In a moment of insanity/clarity I turned to my husband and asked him, "would it be weird if I decided to make finding yummy healthy recipes and making them for us a hobby?"

Needless to say he looked at me like I was insane and said, "Hon, cooking IS a hobby for a lot of folks."

I realized that when you have a tenuous relationship with food - love to eat, hate loving to eat, battling weight issues - deciding to make cooking a hobby come with a mixed bag of emotions. Will I be able to handle making delicious food on a regular basis without gorging and getting fat? Can I make food other people will want to eat? Will I always struggle with these emotions tied to food? Ugh. Why can't something like choosing a hobby be just a tad bit simpler?

Yoga and meditation are easy - I already have a membership at a great studio. I just need to get my body cooperating again and then I'll be back there. In the meantime, I'll stick to bed yoga and my #yogaAday challenge. Here's today's pose, by the way.



I'd really like one morning where I'm not plagued with all this heavy thought about food and weight. Just one.


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YogaADay Catch Up Day

I started the YogaADay challenge about a week late, so I enlisted my husband to help me catch up on all the poses I needed to do.  It was a lot more fun than either of us expected, and more challenging than I thought. My knees are still pretty messed up, so getting into proper form was a bit challenging, but I liked that.  What was unexpected was figuring out the lighting, realizing that my t-shirt (which in my uber-fat mind was tight) was actually baggy and my yoga pants were unflattering, and dealing with my dog wanting to participate.

It was a good experience because looking at the pictures reminded me of a few things - first of all, I'm on a journey.  I am not where I want to be - another 50 lbs to go, but I am so far from where I started , 40 lbs heavier. I am constantly changing and what I think I look like and what I actually look like never seem to match up.  It's hard to keep high spirits and a good perspective when you're feeling slimmer than you've felt in years and then see a picture of you that shows off your belly (said in an Austin Powers Fat Bastard voice). But at the same time, it ain't as big as it used to be.

Second, it feels good to move! I did a little bed yoga today because I am still too sore to go to class. It's a good thing I did because it was probably the warm up I needed.

Third, I NEED to get back into the studio.  The pictures show me that my alignment isn't perfect but I'm okay with that. I want and need to go back so I can get to the place where I'm super comfortable doing them again.  I miss my yoga studio like crazy and didn't realize the full impact of it until looking at the pictures.

So all in all, so far it's been a positive experience.  I feel like it brings yoga into focus for me.   Between my meditation practice, bed yoga and getting my pictures up on Instagram today, I feel like I have explored a little bit of each of the eight limbs of yoga.

1. Yama :  Universal morality
2. Niyama :  Personal observances
3. Asanas :  Body postures
4. Pranayama :  Breathing exercises, and control of prana
5. Pratyahara :  Control of the senses
6. Dharana :  Concentration and cultivating inner perceptual awareness
7. Dhyana :  Devotion, Meditation on the Divine
8. Samadhi :  Union with the Divine

And in the process, I had a lot of fun. Here are some of the photos I took. 

shadows are fun.

I like big butts and I cannot lie!

this one might have come out okay

Feeling strong here.

This was okay. 

Totally an outtake - downward dog with  the dog .

upward dog with the dog trying to take me down

it was going well until the dog started licking my arm. it tickled.

for tomorrow

Yay! A Yoga Challenge!

I love yoga. I love it in theory, I love it in practice. I love reading about it, doing it, looking at pictures and videos of other people enjoying yoga. I just love it.  Like meditation, I found great peace and challenge in yoga after my many injuries and illnesses of the last few years.  My practice has been sporadic the last two months because of the whole legs not working for a while thing, but I am starting to do a little at a time.  Following the advice of my favorite yoga instructor Molly, I am starting with yoga in bed. A little savasana, some supine poses, a little cat/cow stretching, etc.  It's helping me get back in the practice of moving, and it feels great.

I was so excite to wake up after a much needed 10 hours of sleep to see Skinnie Emmie's post on the Grow Soul Beautiful's October #YogaADay Instagram Challenge. First, I have to say I LOVE Skinnie Emmie's blog.  She is just awesome and super inspiring.  AND through her blog I'm finding other blogs I love.  As a new blogger, it's incredibly helpful.

Finding Grow Soul Beautiful was an exciting find because, like I said, I love reading anything about yoga and anything creative.  I'm excited to join the Instagram #YogaADay Challenge because I feel like it will get me back into the rhythm as my legs recover and get me back into the studio faster.

I'm a few days late, but I'm starting the challenge today. I need to find a good app with a timer, some non-pajama clothing and one of my many hidden yoga mats and get posing.  I guess I'll have to sign up for an instagram account as well. Hmm, more steps than I thought, but still exciting.  I'll have a post with a backlog of photos by the end of the weekend :).

Fitness Friday: My Zumba Experience

I have another confession inspired by Skinny Emmie's guest post.

I have no rhythm.  Do you know what kinds of ribbing you get being Puerto Rican with no sense of rhythm?? When you grew up in the Bronx?? The Jennifer Lopez comparisons are endless and it's embarrassing.

Earlier this year for my day job, I planned a conference that had a Zumba class as part of the day's festivities. I was too embarrassed to shake my non-rhythmic arse on the dancefloor, but I REALLY REALLY wanted to try. It just looked like so much fun and the moves were...dare I say it...sexy.  I wanted my body to move like that. I just needed to figure out how to incorporate learning how to zumba with my fear of public exposure.

Enter Playstation's Zumba Fitness.

My husband is a gamer and was already into the EA Interactive workouts, so he purchased Zumba Fitness on a whim, and probably with the hopes that I'd shimmy around the house.  It's a fairly simple concept that requires a few things: a Playstation, the Playstation Eye, the game, and one of those nifty wand thingies in a belt holder.  The Eye and the Wand track your movements, and the goal is to follow the moves as closely as possible.

The short version is I still have no rhythm, but it was an amazing workout.  Four minutes into the warm up routine and I was breaking a sweat and moving muscles I didn't know I had in ways I didn't think I had.  And it felt good.  Once I'm up and running (figuratively speaking) again, I want to incorporate Zumba at least once a week into my routine.

Do you Zumba?

Meditation

It's no secret that I meditate.  I started close to two years ago after an unfortunate crab-walking incident led to a broken elbow and the inability to do much physical activity.  Prior to the incident, as I like to call it, my favorite way of dealing with feelings of frustration, anger, and even joy was to punch, kick and lift things.  I LOVED my gym and loved my workouts.

Unfortunately, the healing of the elbow coincided with my car accident and the beginning of the major decline in my health. I was so angry and frustrated because I literally felt trapped in my body. I had all this energy, all this desire and I couldn't do anything about it because my body couldn't handle it.  I knew it was unhealthy to  stew in this, so I decided to try something VERY different from what I had done in the past. I was going to sit still. Not only was I going to sit, but I was going to meditate. My friends and family thought I was crazy.  Hell, even I thought I was crazy. How could I go from vibrating tension/energy/anger and doing things like using a sledgehammer on tires as a way to relieve stress to simply sitting.

One of my BFFs C decided it would be a good time to drag me to weekly talks by Marianne Williamson, who lectures on A Course in Miracles. I won't get into any theology or discuss the merits of one philosophy over another, but I found some peace there.  The lectures began and ended with a guided meditation and for the first time I could feel myself calming down. I felt like I could finally breathe.



Since then I have played around with all sorts of meditation - mindfulness, zazen, guided meditations, walking meditations, transcendental meditation, you name it.
 I personally like to mix it up and try something different every couple of weeks, as it keeps it interesting for me.  No matter what style I use, however, I always find that I learn more about myself. When you quiet your mind from the distractions of the outside world, you start to know the person inside. It's not always pretty, and it challenges what you thought you knew about yourself.

Tonight I had one of those intense meditations, which I did not expect at all. I turned on a guided meditation for stress relief, and suddenly saw the layers of defensiveness I live with on a daily basis. I saw the tension that vibrates off of me and the lack of trust that I have and how that is conveyed.  Being stuck at home for the last week due to this flare brought up a lot of tension and defensiveness in me because yet again I was trapped in my body with no real way to fix it.  I just had to wait it out.  I'm not quite sure what to do with all of this emotion and information, so I've decided I'm going to sit with it for a few days and see how it feels, how I feel and if and how I want to deal with it.

That's the beauty of meditation...no matter where you are, you're there. Your breath, the quiet, the stillness in your mind will always be waiting for you when you are ready to unlock it.

What's Your Inspiration?

We are all in this weight loss and self improvement process for a reason.  When I started this blog way back on Tuesday, I started thinking about why I am so driven to make a life change. This is no diet for me - it's a completely new way of life. After thinking about it, I realized I had a few inspirations for change:

• Improving my health: I've got several chronic conditions that aren't caused by being out of shape or eating poorly, but can definitely benefit from a healthier lifestyle.  My goal is to give my body as few things to fight as possible, so that means eating right and exercising when my body allows.


• Living in sunny California: It is not easy nor fun to be inactive living in this state.  There is so much to do year-round that I can't help but want to be a healthier, more well rounded person. 


• My husband: He has got more determination and willpower than most people I know.  He has been a rock while taking care of me, working and progressing in his career, learning a new sport (boxing) and  playing softball almost year-round. When we were first married I was able to keep up with some of his activity, but the conditions slowed me down. I want to do what I can to join him in these activities because we both have so much fun doing them. 


• My BFF: My girl C is one of the most amazing people I know.  We met through our personal trainer, who paired us up because she thought we would get along.  Who knew I'd find my soul sister in her?  She has gone through some tough times in the last year, but she has been my clean eating mentor and guide. I used to think I was a lousy cook, but she is proving me wrong, and encourages me every day to come up with something new, and to be honest and accountable. Even though she lives 3,000 miles away now, we talk daily and she's my one of my biggest inspirations on this journey. I'm going to try to convince her to guest blog on occasion, as she has an amazing transformation story to tell as well.  

What or who is your inspiration?

Wednesday Weigh Ins

I confess that this is not the most original idea, but I want to be accountable. I figure someone is reading this, and that makes me feel like I've got to keep it honest. I'd love it if you joined in the weigh in by posting in the comments section, or keep to yourself.


Highest Weight: 235
Lowest Weight: Can't remember
Current Weight: 194

How to exercise when you can't walk

I have a distinct disadvantage when it comes to weight loss. There are times, like the last few weeks, when I can't walk. It's a combination of lupus, fibromyalgia and the many other conditions I have, and it is annoying. As proud as I am for continuing to lose weight with just diet (which just proves that weight loss is really 80% diet), I want to break into a sweat!

So here is my plan of action starting today.

Supine and seated yoga poses - while savasana will always be a favorite, I am going to work on some seated supine poses that will help stretch my tired muscles. Here are some planned poses. I am still working on sequence.

- savasana
- knees to chest
- windmill knees
- leg pulls
- Pavanmuktasana wind relieving pose
- savasana
- sukhasana
- Paschimothanasana (seated forward bend)
- Ardha Matsyendrasana (half spinal twist)

I also want to incorporate some free weights into my life. Fitsugar has a great basic routine that I will start today as well.

- triceps pushes
- bicep and deltoid squeezes
- deltoid back squeezes
- right angle bicep curls
- square offs

Lets see how this goes.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

It's time: breaking the sugar addiction

I have a confession. I am a sugar addict. Let no one tell you that sugar is not dangerous, and what it can do to an addict is not devastating. Just like alcohol or binge eating, it can cause mood swings, changes in your self esteem, damage your health and psyche. I speak from experience, and from a place I don't want to return.

It started in 1996 when we figured out caffeine was a migraine trigger for me. The prospect of being 16, starting college (yes, you rad that correctly) and not being able to use coffee to stay awake was terrifying. I was desperate to find anything that would help keep me awake and keep the buzz similar to caffeine going. It started small, with sugary fruits and cereal bars. Then came candy bars, then sugary drinks.

I noticed my weight gain, but chalked it up to the freshman 15,the stress of school, you name it. Eventually I found a bit of balance and had an active lifestyle. I canoed, kayaked, rode my bike, so I felt okay. And I never had any trouble with lab work or a single cavity.

But in my heart I knew. When I stressed, I turned to chocolate and ice cream. What's more telling waste sense of shame I felt when I ate sugary things, even when I was alone. I knew I had to stop but couldn't break the habit.

In 2011, due to a flare up in my lupus, I was placed on high doses of steroids, which caused me to develop type II diabetes. I also developed my first cavities in over 30years. I could no longer hide behind excuses, because my health and life were at stake.

After months of tooling around with diet options, I found a clean eating, mostly paleo diet worked best for me. My cravings were going away and I started dropping weight like crazy. I had consistent levels of energy, my skin cleared up and my sleep improved. It was awesome.

I am embarrassed to say that I recently fell off of the wagon. We hosted a bonfire for my birthday last month, and with it came the usual assortment of junk food. After the bonfires there was tons leftover, including something like 19 Hershey bars. I would have a few bites here and there, and suddenly it was out of control. After months of improvement I found myself NEEDING sugar and feeling withdrawal if I didn't have a little something each day.

I want no part in this. I am committed to breaking the addiction again.
I'm starting by cleaning out the obvious forms of sugar- throwing away the remaining Hershey bars, marshmallows, etc. I'm going to get rid of sugary salad dressings. I am going to drink lots of water and recommit myself to cooking savory, tasty foods that do not rely on sugar and will help my body grow strong again.
I want to start a revolution and help people realize how that yummy, feel good snack is not doing you any favors. But I have to beat my own demons first.

Who is with me?

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Well, hello there...

Welcome to my new blog.  Like many people, I have struggled with weight and self esteem issues for as long as I can remember.  For lots of reasons, which I'm sure I'll discuss ad nauseum, I am changing my life one day at a time.  This blog will focus on my changing relationship with food, yoga, kettlebells, health in general and the road I'm taking to become a better, more conscious person.