Last week was my 33rd birthday. I told my husband that instead of a home/house party like we normally have, or dinner out, I wanted to go all out this year, because I wasn't sure if I'd see 34.
I'm a bit of a drama queen. I'm not saying that everything I've been through isn't serious and scary and terrifying. Hell, we thought I was going to die for a few weeks. But I think that was the turning point. I didn't see it at the time, but I'm pretty sure it was. When you live that reality, no matter how falsely or briefly, you start to think about what is left of the life you have. Who do you want to spend that time with? How do you want to feel? What do you want to do? I realized that if I had died at that moment, I would have been majorly depressed, obssessed with all things related to my every bodily function, and isolated from those I care about most. It was an ugly and sobering picture.
So I decided whether or not I lived another day or 60 years, I want to be happy. I want to be fearless. I want to have relationships with those people who I love and like. And I simply decided to be happy again.
That was the easy part. It wasn't a one time decision - it's a day by day, hour by hour effort. I decide not to get upset because I'm up at 4:45am. I catch up with my east coast peeps, write, read, watch the sunrise, or sometimes just go back to sleep. Whatever I do, I don't place judgment on my action and I try to stay in the moment. I'm meditating a lot more, fitting in even two minutes when I have spare time (like waiting in doctor waiting rooms). I'm being more open and honest about my need for friendship, and am working on connecting with the people I pushed away. I'm learning to listen and really hear people instead of dominating talk and being the aggressor in arguments. I am choosing to see things that generally annoyed me and work hard to view it through innocent, more objective eyes. I'm learning that I am doing the best I can with the tools I have and so is everyone else on this planet. If I am giving it the best I've got, I feel a responsibility to at least consider another perspective. And finally, I've learned to let shit slide...in the grand scheme of things is my not LOVING the incense we're burning currently that big a deal? It's a blink of an eye and I doubt it will be something I'd remember 10 years or 10 minutes from now.
Back to the birthday. I mentioned how I wanted to "do it big" and my husband ran some ideas behind me, and I realized my idea of doing it big was soooo not big and flashy. He kept fairly quiet about it and asked what days during my birthday week were NOT booked with either appts or celebrations. I let him know, but didn't ask any questions. I'm glad I didn't because when I found out I was just so excited. First off, Omar took the entire week off to be with me. This is a man who almost never takes time off. That alone was exciting. Tuesday, my actual birthday, was going to be low-key as I had an afternoon appointment. Wednesday and Thursday, however, we were going to San Francisco. For all of my out of state friends, that's far. Like going from NY to the Carolinas on I-95 far. And I've never been there. I've wanted to visit the major metropolitan areas of the country for many reasons, not the least bit of which is my secret love of urban planning. In any case, our short trip was to be all about me and that means doing cheesy touristy stuff non stop. We watched the sea otters, took a trolley that looked like a 1950s bus in the South, bought the obligatory SF souveneirs and stuff that I could have bought at home, and went on a friggin SEGWAY TOUR! I'm super clumsy and have a number of scratches and bumps on my car from where I've kissed pillars (mostly), I have trouble standing or walking for long periods of time, am seriously photosensitive, and I've got all these health issues. A 3 hour segway tour for all intents and purposes does not sound like a good idea. But it was. It was fabulous. It was the most fun I've had in ages. I laughed belly laughs, I whooped going down the super steep hills, and I saw more of San Francisco than I would have ever seen on foot. From there, we found ourselves walking to recharge - both physically and technologically. We ended up in a starbucks, then went walking some more. We took the subway to the airport, and went home. I drove home after not sleeping well the night before and being up and active all day.
We rested Friday, and on Saturday, we had a picnic with some friends. My smart husband picked one of the longest days of the year so I coud be outside later in the day but still enjoy sunlight. We went to this gorgeous picnic area in one of the many many many canyons/parks near where we live and I felt so alive just sitting outside. Before I got sick I used to love going to the park to sit, read a book, or just think. I missed it so much and felt so amazingly happy to do it again, to realize I COULD do it again if I got over myself and my self-imposed limitations and tried living again.
And I was happy. It sort of reminds me of when people talk about enlightenment. It's not a moment, a choice or even an experience. It's everything and anything and nothing at all. It's not about what's coming up, or what just happened. It's being able to see everything for what it is, and seeing the good in the world and the good in everyone else. I know it sounds like some hippy bullshit, but it was the most profound experience I've had. Not only was I feeling, but I was feeling something I haven't felt in a long time, and I'm still sitting with it. I don't anticipate that I can stay this way forever, but like with meditation, I figure if I practice enough it will get easier to get back to happy.
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