Risking it all on Health and Wellness

Rambam said, "The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision." Would you rather be in a state of indecision or accepting the consequences of a wrong decision?

I would much rather live with the consequences of a wrong decision. I lived a good part of my life playing it safe, saying 'what-if' and feeling a lot of regret.

So how does this translate to health and wellness?

With regards to health, I took a chance over a year ago on a brand new drug to treat my lupus since conventional treatments hadn't worked. It was a scary risk - it has only recently been approved by the FDA and was terribly expensive. I gave it a shot because I didn't know what to do and felt like I would have to stop working shortly if I didn't find some relief. After about a year of being on the drug, I had a horrible, terrible, traumatizing reaction to the drug, which immediately stopped me from working and put me on short term disability. I also ended up in the hospital for 7 days, sicker and more distraught than I have ever been in my life. As of today, I am still recovering from the effects of that horrific reaction, and am unable to resume my full-time job, or any work at the moment. Actually, my last official day of work is tomorrow, even though I've been on leave for two months. In a lot of ways it has been devastating, but the truth is I don't regret a second of it. That drug bought me a year of life that I couldn't have imagined possible. I was healthier than I had been since I'd been diagnosed, and I had a renewed spark and energy.

Today, I'm in the same spot I was right before I started the drug. I am having more complications with the disease than I have previously and I can't seem to find a medication combination that works as well. I still don't regret taking that risk. I don't regret coming off of the medication either. I could have tried again, to see if it was a fluke, but THAT was a risk I wasn't willing to take.


With regards to wellness, I'm making big changes in my life right now - not working and focusing on getting healthy and well. That means rounds and rounds of doctors appointments, seeking some complementary therapies, focusing on my yoga and meditation practice, learning new coping skills, and finding a life that causes less stress that can trigger my diseases. This is the biggest risk of all, because this is foreign territory. I've worked almost non-stop since I was 13 years old - I'm 32 now. I don't know any other kind of life than the fast paced, upwardly mobile, high pressured job life. I have to reinvent myself and my life in a way that respects my body/mind and promotes wellness and health. It's scary as hell, but I would rather live with the consequences of this decision than wonder what if...I've been down that road before and I've had glimpses of what would happen if I kept on with the lifestyle I was leading. I can say I'm much more comfortable risking the unknown, leading a brand new lifestyle and seeing where life takes me without any clear direction.


I'm also taking a risk being on disability...it's not something I've ever imagined or wanted. I'm learning that my illnesses do not define me but at this moment, they do exert major control over what I can and cannot do. Work, which has really defined me for so long, is no longer present. So I'm doing some soul searching and finding new meaning and purpose in my life. I'm finding ways to fill my time in ways that are healthy and promote overall wellness. I'm returning to my yoga practice, meditating more often, looking at free classes and support groups, embracing my online community of friends and fellow ambassadors, and am working on rebuilding my body and soul.


I can live with the consequences of my decisions...the alternative is just not an option. I move forward, and I move onward. We only have one life, and I'm not going to let it slip by.



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