I've never been the most popular child. I was a super geek with the super geek look to go along with it. I came to terms with it a long time ago. But once I graduated to not quite cool but not quite total geek status, I was finding it hard to make friends in college - I thought high school cliques were bad. Again, I made my peace with it and am still friends with a few people from college and I'm grateful for having them in my life.
As an adult in my early 20s, it was easy to make friends - I was a community organizer and by default, we spend lots of time together and shenanigans are usually involved. Then came the coupling up, the announcements of babies and marriages and moves to New Jersey. We were married pretty early on the curve, but we weren't ready to move to Jersey and we sure as hell weren't ready to have kids. And we all did all this changing that happens as we grow up, and you realize who is an acquaintance and who is a friend. You also learn the parameters of your friendship. I have one friend who only talks about mutual health conditions, and another who only goes out for yoga and tea. Then there is the friend who likes to watch silly movies and some who seem to be more in love with my dog than me. I can understand - I mean look at that cute little face!!
This summer, Alex Williams wrote an article for the NY Times tackling this issue exactly. He points out, obviously, that as adults, we don't build in places where we can meet lots of people.
Williams also posits that, "But often, people realize how much they have neglected to restock their pool of friends only when they encounter a big life event, like a move, say, or a divorce." This rang true for me. We have had so many life changes in the last 12-18 months that when things got dire, we realized that there were very people were standing around. Don't get me wrong - I understand. I respect it and get it. It was too much for us to deal with so I get why people stepped back. But now that that things are starting to take a turnaround - as in we're not on hospital watch at all anymore and I'm not working, I'm finding VERY difficult to make friends.
Williams says that we end up building friends around our activities and usually don't see them outside of it. I have one friend who I only go to yoga when I feel well enough, another that I knit with on occasions. I don't really keep in touch with people I used to work with, as I'm trying to close that chapter in my life, and there are my online buddies who have been awesome. I've also seen a resurgence of NY friends who I haven't seen since the early 90s and people I worked with in collaboration with my former job.
All that doesn't add up to a lot for me - I'm usually home, and at this point, people come to me b/c long drives exhaust me. So it's a lot of writing, texting, calling, and the ever wonderful facebook. I've found some great online autoimmune communities which I get to participate as a participant and not a a leader. I also found some other people through the #fitspo movement that I was in before I got sick. You would think this would be the first group to disappear, but they have been the most supportive, kind, wonderful people.
I want to name names of all the people who have been there for us, but I don't want anyone I might accidentally leave off my list to feel offended. Then there are others, well, they were a life lesson. Besides, I REALLY wanted to use this image in this post.
I don't often get a ton of comments on my blog, because my friends will either IM or call me to talk about it. But I'm asking you, specifically my friends over 30, to comment on the blog about these questions?
- How do you make friends?
- Are they more situational friends like people you work with?
- Do you have a BFF that precedes the age of 30?
- What has worked and/or what hasn't worked?
I need to know. This has been burning in my mind for months now, and since it's NaBloPoMo, I could ask these random questions. So please, do me a favor, once you answer these questions, ask your friend. Let's think of it as a little science experiment to figure out when and where the closest friends are made and kept.
On the writing note, I'm at almost 2,000 words. It's a nonfiction book, and for those in the know, the title starts with "Lessons Learned from..." Same graphic applies here. I'm enjoying it so far, and I like having the obligation of having to do something every day. It breaks up the monotony.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
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