Not Sad Saturday - A Post About Depression

This post was inspired by a very honest and awesome post about depression by my weigh-in buddy Tiffany of Dance.lift.Run.

I've been in a bad, bad funk for the last several days, which culminated with a crying session last night and wondering if my depression was getting worse. Depression and having lupus go hand in hand, and while most of the time I can power through with the help of some amazing people in my life, sometimes it gets the bet of me.

I don't think I'm completely in Happy-land yet, but I did come to a few realizations that got me on the road there.

* I REALLY don't do well with isolation. One of the things about lupus is that even when I don't feel well I can force myself out of bed and be around other people if I really want or need. When I've got the lupus/something contagious combination, then it's a lot harder. I can't go to work because for various reasons I CANNOT get my coworkers sick. And I have LOTS of friends with lupus who can't afford to get sick. So I'm pretty much relegated to chatting online, as I normally lose my voice. This extended period of isolation really fucked with my head. I am so friggin grateful for the online community that I have developed over the last several months because I know that I would have been so bad off without you all. I started this blog after a period of not being able to walk, so you all have meant so much to me. Special shoutout to my FitApproach #sweatpink sisters, my fellow #imagreatist Greatist.com ambassadors, the Sweaty Betties crew and the awesome people in the Curvy Yoga network.

* I need to be more open to sharing my feelings and being vulnerable while talking to friends. As my husband said today, I put up a really good front. I don't like talking to people about the really hard stuff, the stuff that makes me cry. The worse I feel, the more I withdraw. For a long time almost no one in my life really understood what my life was like, so when I would be open and vulnerable, my feelings would be dismissed. So I'm scared to open up. But the reality today is that I have some amazing people around me who are open and willing to listen to the bad as well as the good.

* I NEED to stop putting myself last. I was taking part in a tweet chat on handling stress during the holidays and we were asked what negative behavior do you engage in when you are stressed. I put my health, emotional and physical, on the backburner. It's a bad habit I've picked up and while I am not as bad as I used to be, it still happens pretty frequently. I haven't been taking care of myself as well as I could by letting work issues get to me, not taking time to nourish my soul including a real serious meditation practice, or doing physical activities that make me happy, especially yoga. Sure I've dabbled a bit during the squat-a-thon and have been doing restorative work at home, but it's not the same as the work I put in at the yoga studio. I need to make time to just go, because it fulfills something deep inside me.


Today, I woke up in a bad headspace. Seeing that, my husband made it his mission to make me smile today. We had a day that really focused on what was making me sad and taking one step to get out of it. Everything from working on my isolation by just getting out of the house, to buying a movie trilogy that I have long wanted (LOTR) and to taking care of my spirit by going to yoga. I love this man. So much.

I mentioned on here a few posts ago how I needed to get back on the mat in the studio in the worst way and reignite the spark I had for my most favorite activity. I was right. The second I walked in the studio, something inside just exhaled and felt immediately at home. The studio just radiates acceptance. When you walk in there, you feel the love and the sense that while you will be challenged physically, we will also help you get to know your soul. It is definitely not just an asana practice there. They are really committed to the entire practice of yoga, and it makes me feel really good.




Today's class was so perfect. My teacher Fred is such a compassionate, empathatic wonderful person. Today it was like he knew exactly what I was struggling with and focused on asanas that challenged me (starting on building the foundation of a headstand) with pranayama work, niyama, intention setting, and visualization. I sweated and challenged my body in a way that I can't quite do in my home practice, which is super gentle and restorative. I started to test my limits and realize that my capacity is not as narrow as I feared. It was so what I needed.



(In the spirit of Fred's talk on how yoga can help you better cope with the holidays, I couldn't resist putting up this picture)

As I sat/stood/inverted on my mat, I was able to reach in and find that core of me that had been desperately needing some TLC. I reawakened my love for something that is so so meaningful, and that I KNOW is my true path in life. I remembered why I wanted to practice so much, and why I ultimately want to be a yoga instructor - to create a practice for people like me who need something both physically and spiritually challenging and fulfilling, especially those dealing with the depression that comes with living with chronic illness.


I've just shared a lot really really vulnerable things about me. Does anyone else deal with depression? How do you deal? How do you stop yourself from getting stuck in that downward spiral.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad