I was so not focused on where I am and what I have. Where I am is sick. I have pleurisy, a lupus joint flare and the flu. I've had all three for a month. What I have is a body that NEEDS sleep, cold medicine, prednisone (steroids that I have a love/hate relationship with) and care.
I've been beating myself up both physically and mentally, trying to push myself beyond what my body is capable of to accomplish goals that weren't smart. Every day I grew more and more frustrated that I wasn't out there accomplishing some major physical feats...not taking into account that my journey is what it is and I need to stop comparing myself to other people.
How can I go to yoga seven days a week if my lungs burn and chest wheezes every time I take a deep breath? How can I lift weights when showering sometimes leaves me dizzy and in pain? How can I possibly lose 10lbs when I keep getting steroids shots to control my lupus and I KNOW they cause weight gain. Don't get me wrong, I'm not whining. This is sometimes my reality. But what the hell was I thinking?
Obviously I wasn't. So I decided this morning that I was going to take a good look at what I have and revised my idea of finishing December strong.
Goal 1: Do NOT let my weight go over 193. That's roughly what I've been at all month before the steroid shots. If I can manage my eating and get in enough gentle exercise, I should be able to maintain that.
Goal 2: Eat well. See Goal 1. This is entirely in my control, whereas other stuff is not.
Goal 3: Drink lots of water.
Goal 4: Get a minimum of 7 hours sleep since my body seems to need it to heal and recover.
Goal 5: Gently stretch every day. I may not be able to do a handstand but I sure as heck can do some stretching in bed.
Goal 6: Be active when I can and stay within tolerable limits, and rest when I need to do so.
Goal 7: Stop beating myself up and be proud of the progress I've made.
I've been fluctuating in weight, but not dramatically. I actually lost another lb, but then gained two back after being in bed all weekend. No surprise there. But you know what? I didn't eat everything in sight, I drank tons of water and exercised self-control.
Highest weight: 235 lbs
Lowest Weight: Can't Remember
Last Week: 191
This Week: 192
Change: +1
I was chosen to be an ambassador for three great groups - Greatist.com, FitApproach.com and GirlsGoneSporty.com - for a reason. Not because I'm running marathons or setting new lifting PRs every week. I was chosen because despite my challenges I don't give up. I'm working on finding a path to wellness. It may not be what I want all the time, and it may not be as dramatic and dazzling as some of my amazing cohorts, but it is an honest journey towards having a better relationship with food, exercise and healthy. I need to remember that.
I'm finishing December strong because I'm not giving up. I'm not pushing myself beyond my really annoying limits, but I am doing what I can every day. And that's why #imagreatist, I #sweatpink and I'm one of the #girlsgonesporty.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Great post, Elyse! Funny you should mention, because I was having a similar reflection last night. This year has been a seriously hard year which started off with a flare that took 7 months to control. I let my PhD work take the hit, and last night my advisor sent me a not so nice email. I had to practice real kindness with myself. Whereas I used to beat myself up about it I now see that my capacity waxes and wanes and I am doing the best I can with what I have going on. It does drive me to do better, because I know I can, but I no longer stress myself out to where I am literally incapacitated with anxiety and guilt. It is hard because outsiders don't often see the struggles day to day, but I do, and I just have to focus on how to be happy with myself. And that means getting my ass in gear now that I am able to, and forgiving myself for the past which others may not understand.
ReplyDeleteJen, thanks for your reply. I'm sorry that you had such a long flare, but glad it's getting under control. I think I need to add that to my life goals, practicing kindness with myself. It's so frustrating, but so common in our world to beat yourself up when you're down because you can't do much and then beat yourself up when you're up because you feel like you're never doing enough. I need to get better at forgiving myself too. Thanks for the food for thought.
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